are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Say something about gay babies.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
