I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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