mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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