I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
