I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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