I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
My vagina is officially offended.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
