I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
