Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
