Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
