Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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