Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
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