My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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