Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
