So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
