We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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