I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
