I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He shit in the fireplace
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
