I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
