Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
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