Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He better not be in your backpack
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
