i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
