You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
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