he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
