I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
