I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
