The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
