I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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