I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
