Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize