I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
