Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
