I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
