My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
