i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
We left the knife in your bed.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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