Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
