Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Randomize
