my mouth tastes like poor choices
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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