A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
