I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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