dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Randomize
