Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize