my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
