I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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