i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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