Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
