I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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