What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Bring me that man meat
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
