This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
