At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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