Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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