Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
