I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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