Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
