I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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