i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
