Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Let's get the cat blown out
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
