Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize