This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Every concussion has its silver lining
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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