I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
