New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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