I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
