I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
