I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
