We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize