what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
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