I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
