If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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