I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
he thought i was a dude.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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